Today, a very dear and old friend rebuked me for not remembering things he had updated me about a couple weeks before. At first, I was really taken aback,"Is he being sarcastic? OMG, I think he's serious!" And he was.. The conversation took an awkward turn -- me, apologizing for hurting his feelings, and him, somewhat pointedly telling me again what he's up to these days.. and boy, is he having a hard time..
I was deeply hurt that he said that to me -- mostly shocked.. I haven't had some one that close to me rebuke me so pointedly and forthrightly for a long time (maybe never)... Most people are a little more careful with their choice of words and gentility of relating the rebuke, and even if they weren't -- they'd have had my permission to be frank with me.
Sure I was upset, but more crucially, I was alarmingly disappointed at the deterioration of my social abilities. After my friend's rant, I was completely unable to jump back into conversation like normal with him -- my heart kept palpitating and my spirit was disturbed within me. I started to judge him -- "Maybe he's having a hard time, and he's just being bitter towards me" -- "Dear God please heal his hurts"; "Dear Jesus, please teach him to speak with grace as You have given grace"; "God, remove whatever bitterness is in his heart and replace it with Your love.." -- This is where I stopped myself..
WHAT A HYPOCRITE I AM!!! and where do all these terrible thoughts come from!?
Instead of loving my brother and praying over him, I was internally judging him and trying to get God on my side by "praying". I just then realized what a vengeful and terrible girl I was -- and How Great God is for loving me. There is much work to be done in my person and by His grace, I shall grow out of this.
Dear Jesus, Teach me how to love You and how to love others so that I may glorify Your Name. Amen.
