the end is near..

my college career.. among many other things..;)

bummer.. bummer.. and BUMMER..

This week's been a little hard on me..

and it's only wednesday..

here's why:
Senior design project -- running a loss of $10 million.. sure fail..
Hydrology Exam 2 -- bombed it.. got a solid D.. pulls my A- to a C.. no way to pull it back up again..
Phone plan -- I have to take responsibility because no one else can.. and I need to call them TOMORROW.. Ugh..
Ethnicity class -- Final project mate is a total Shirker, and doesn't care.. I have a C and I need to pass..
OPT -- not applying for it.. there's no reason to.. because I'm leaving the US
Visa and I-20 -- expires 2 months after graduation and I will need to find another way of coming back to the US..
Gradschool -- one option of staying in US -- I'll drive myself crazy if I have to be in school another semester.
Job search -- on a stand-still because I can't figure my life out..
Graduation -- I still need to buy my cap and gown..
Going home -- I need to book tickets, but i'm BROKE.
$$ worries -- I'm broke, and I don't want to ask my parents for more money :(


and the straw that broke the camel's back :

New dress i JUST bought at francesca's $ 30 and I only wore it ONCE..(to reward myself for working so hard this semester)-- shrunk in the wash -- now it looks like a little girl's ballet dress..

...

I want my mommy..
*sobs*

the inner child

say what you want..
whether it be that I am :

childish, immature, escapist.. etc..

I LOVE cartoons..

currently on my love list..

How to train your dragon.. kudos to Dreamworks for the awesome expressions on the animations..
Toothless - officially the cutest dragon ever created..



Tangled.. what can I say.. I LOVE DISNEY!

I'll be there for you..

.. when the rain starts to fall...
I'll be there for you...
like i've been there before..
I'll be there for you,
'cause you're there for me too..

Hearing this song produces the same feeling in me as a person who has had a fresh wound rubbed with sand paper..

I've been feeling a little under the weather.. no.. scratch that.. I've been wicked selfish these days..
Self pity crouches at my emotions' door, and whenever the emotions spill, this evil thing pounces on it and feasts away on the vulnerable feelings.
This whole semester -- my last one -- has just been the hardest, and most trying semester.. ever.
My social life, my friends.. have been reduced to interactions with project mates and late late night/early early morning conversations with the the janitors at Sweeney Hall.. heck.. I don't know how to have a normal conversation anymore.. and I hate what i've become..

I've always had the desire to "belong".. and ever since I came back from Turkey, that desire had a major growth spurt...
Come to think of it.. I've "belonged" groups of friends before.. however, close as we were, my presence there.. in that clique.. just never lasted. Ever since kindergarden, I feel like i've never really had a group of friends that I felt a "connection" with. I've always wanted to belong.. but I feel like I've never achieved the closeness I desired with any of my friends.. Never felt like I was "in".. at least never longer than 2 years or so.. People just always moved on.. heck.. I moved on.. and it begs the question -- Do we have friendship loyaty issues?

Sure.. Change is a pretty natural phenomenon in life.. But the groups of friends I've had in the past, Always, always find a way of staying in touch with one another.. and perhaps the art of "keeping-in-touch" is just not my forte..

and thus, the gnawing feeling of loneliness continues its parasitic ministrations..

and God.. as always, is just waiting for me to run to Him.. I hesitate.. and inch towards Him..
I am prideful, wanting to spare Him the trouble to dealing with my hateful self..
He sighs.. and keeps stretching His arms out.. Urging me to hurry up and lean on His strength before I collapse under the strain of my emotions..

He showed me a vision, short one albeit.. of my funeral..
and I see everyone I've ever cared for in my life there.
and I realize..

my friends, are my friends not because I feel "in-the-loop", or because they invite me to hang out, or because they call/facebook/email/gchat/skype me.. *don't get me wrong, I'd love to receive all that*

BUT my friends are my friends, because I was called to love them.. and because i WANT to love them.

John 15:13 : Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay his life down for his friends.

and so, friends.. if you read this, I ask for your forgiveness, for being selfish and judgmental. I'm sorry for having all these ugly feelings, and all these insecurities about our friendships.

I wish and hope the best for all of you, most of all, that you will find TRUE LOVE.
He is waiting to catch you in His arms..

Art of the moment:

Wedding gowns by Elie Saab


Music of the moment:

Kate Rusby - Awkward Annie

rage.

Post Turkey Trip.

Emotions of mine -- monochromatic.
Either furiously dark or a bored gray.

Joyless.

Irritable.

Critical.

Narcissistic.

Foul-mouthed.

and all because of....


nothing.

I cannot comprehend the reasons for my rage.
A distance that I've crossed away from Father is probably a major reason.
No desires to pick up the Word.

I have lost ALL patience for a friend that has been rather dear to me...
my responses to her are sharp, critical, hurtful, and angry.
I have no reason to harbor resentment.

I have no right to ask the Creator for release from this prison of rage.
I am myself.
sinful, dirty, unworthy, condemned to hell.

and I would have willingly thrown myself into the sea of fire.. if not for the river of blood that carried me to the foot of The THRONE.

Psalm 42:5-6
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.


Song of the moment:
Doubting Thomas, NickelCreek