kopitiam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDxoTtVGBZE

I wake in the dark
With showers of life
Moments of emptiness around
Floating away
No other hope
Reality brings me

Into the ground
What can I do
What can I say
I need a place to hide away
Just for a while, just for a smile
Just for a life I used to know

The perfect song were filled with
Words of love and not with anger
What if they go
What if they leave me far behind

'Cause I don't wanna be alone... (uh oh)
Living life for on my own (uh oh)
I don't want to live my life in isolation
Filled with empty decorations
'Cause I want to be with people that I know

Who would do the things I do (uh oh)
Making all my dreams come true (uh oh)
I don't recognize the shadows at my door
Though I've seen them all before
Because the only thing I really want...
Is to be with you...

sweet redemption

Though he was

weeping uncontrollably, and bleeding

freely at the forehead, pulling

his cart with one arm, stumbling for

drunkenness, falling again and again,

exhausted, old, and sick, yet he went

with terrible speed. On spider's legs

he skittered through the alleys of

the City, this mile and the next,

until he came to its limits, and

then he rushed beyond.



I wept to see the change in this

man. I hurt to see his sorrow. And

yet I needed to see where he was

going in such haste, perhaps to

know what drove him so.



The little old Ragman - he came to

a landfill. He came to the garbage

pits. And then I wanted to help

him in what he did, but I hung back,

hiding.



He climbed a hill. With tormented

labor he cleared a little space on

that hill. Then he sighed. He lay

down. He pillowed his head on a

handkerchief and a jacket. He

covered his bones with an army

blanket.


And he died.



Oh, how I cried to witness that

death!I slumped in a junked car

and wailed and mourned as one who

has no hope - because I had come

to love the Ragman.



Every other face had faded in

the wonder of this man, and I

cherished him; but he died.I

sobbed myself to sleep. I did not know - how could I know?

That I slept through Friday night

and Saturday and its night, too.

But then, on Sunday morning, I was

wakened by a violence. Light - pure,

hard, demanding light - slammed

against my sour face,and I blinked,

and I looked, and I saw the last

and the first wonder of all.



There was the Ragman, folding the

blanket most carefully, a scar on

his forehead, but alive! And,

besides that, healthy! There was no

sign of sorrow nor of age, and

all the rags that he had gathered

shined for cleanliness.



Well, then I lowered my head and

trembling for all that I had seen,

I myself walked up to the Ragman.

I told him my name with shame, for

I was a sorry figure next to him.

Then I took off all my clothes in

that place, and I said to him with

dear yearning in my voice: "Dress me."



He dressed me. My Lord, he put new

rags on me, and I am a wonder beside

him.



The Ragman, the Ragman,


THE CHRIST

its the pits..

hit rock bottom...

started questioning my faith..


don't want to think anymore.


i wish i could die..

and get out of my disgusting skin..

here i gripe again..

i miss him already..

Michael just got a job offer at Spirit Aerosystems in Wichita, KS. That's like a 6.5 hour drive ( I will however take 8 hours because i am BOUND to get lost). And so, he's leaving on a jet-plane in a little less than 3 weeks. That amounts to 2 Sunday Services left together, and 2 Monday Morning Prayer Meetings, 2 more Saturday~Alone times, 2 more Family Group meetings, and 2 more Salt Company meetings.

yesterday the realization that he wont be with me (and also that i will be spending my 21st birthday alone in Michigan) just flooded my senses...

i cried.. :(

he's leaving meeee....

in exactly 28 more days..


*sob

be Thou my vision..

So I have just started fasting ( and now i know how anorexic people feel )
I actually am starting to think that i could live like this, i have hunger pangs for awhile, and i feel like i want food, but after awhile, the hunger goes away.

The only effects that I've gotten so far is that I get woozy for a little bit, but then after some water and a little nap, it's all okay again..

somewhat disturbing huh?


but i do know how it affects me emotionally and mentally:

i am a lot slower in learning, and i have a shorter fuse than i usually do ( which is REALLy Really Really short); i feel lethargic, angry and extremely distracted even when i am reading my bible.

i don't even know where God fits into all this.* I know that after I've gotten some food and read through this post again, i will feel pretty stupid about how i reacted. *
But for the moment, i am going to rant.

God... can You be my Vision? I'm sick of being angry and stupid. I don't want to be vulnerable and not have you fill me. I feel like I got cheated, and i know you dont cheat. You said that You will be my Rock and Shelter, Everything i need. Then why am i still not satisfied?

Help me find satisfaction in seeing Your glory and experiencing Your Presence.
Be my all in all. May i find Zero joy apart from you.
Kill my heart's desires for things of this world. So that sin may be crucified and my heart be ressurected into a new life with you.

if it has to be violent Lord, let it be. i hate being lukewarm, i hate being sinful, i hate being me, for i resist Your grace and fall into the s***hole again and again. have Your Consuming fire purify me as gold and pure silver. Pass me through Your cleansing fire, make me clean again. but Only for Your glory's sake and if it is according to Your will.

Help me not abuse the people around me in my speech or actions. but help me show them grace as You have shown me grace.

Thank you for answering my prayer. My Lord and my God.
Yours is the kingdom, the power, the glory forever and ever.
In Your Son's name, Amen.