it's foreign on this side..

i spent the day alone today...


it wasn't bad.. but i'd definitely not want to live this day again.. * 'cept the part where i got Liz's letter *

first i slept in till 11am.. and that made me feel like i totally wasted my day..
i bought a couple songs on itunes.. had minimal contact with people..
drew some pictures, and planned presents to buy for people back in ames..
made some food for myself.. talked to the boys next door briefly and awkwardly..
facebook stalked some people..

listened to "this side" by nickel creek over and over and over again..

and i didn't even touch my bible.. or even feel like reading it...
and today i struggled with my selfish desires.. of wanting to call up michael and talk to him.. however.. bret and gabe came all the way to see him in kansas and hang out.. so the least i can do is stay out of the way, right?
he said he'd call.. in the evening.. but..when he called on skype, i felt like i was intruding.. and i found myself being negative and decided it was best if I didn't spoil all the fun they were having with my gripes.. *and so i hung up..

before that, I called Marcus ( best friend in high school) today.. and even he couldn't talk.. He has a paper on Tuesday and had to study..
Then i called liz after i got her card, but she didn't pick up ( probably was hanging out with the parents )
and then i found my dad on skype but then after 2 sentences from him, he logged out..

therefore, i felt totally ignored today.. by virtually everyone.. and that escalated to negative thoughts..

that left me struggling against my sinful self.. even writing this, makes me think about how much i really think about myself.. and in all these situations, I am always looking out for myself and not being considerate and thoughtful of others and thinking about ways i could serve them.. always.. always.. i thought about how they could serve me..

It's foreign on this side,
And the truth is a bitter friend.
But reasons few have I to go back again.

Your first dawn blinded you, left you cursing the day.
Entrance is crucial and it's not without pain.
There's no path to follow, once you're here.
You'll climb up the slide and then you'll slide down the stairs.

God has to let me learn the hard way..
I gotta climb up the slippery slide.. and bruise and be battered by temptations on the way..

it's true that...

It's foreign on this side,
But it feels like I'm home again.
There's no place to hide
But I don't think I'm scared.

because my Father's eye is on me..


After the dance ( John Waterhouse)