be Thou my vision..

So I have just started fasting ( and now i know how anorexic people feel )
I actually am starting to think that i could live like this, i have hunger pangs for awhile, and i feel like i want food, but after awhile, the hunger goes away.

The only effects that I've gotten so far is that I get woozy for a little bit, but then after some water and a little nap, it's all okay again..

somewhat disturbing huh?


but i do know how it affects me emotionally and mentally:

i am a lot slower in learning, and i have a shorter fuse than i usually do ( which is REALLy Really Really short); i feel lethargic, angry and extremely distracted even when i am reading my bible.

i don't even know where God fits into all this.* I know that after I've gotten some food and read through this post again, i will feel pretty stupid about how i reacted. *
But for the moment, i am going to rant.

God... can You be my Vision? I'm sick of being angry and stupid. I don't want to be vulnerable and not have you fill me. I feel like I got cheated, and i know you dont cheat. You said that You will be my Rock and Shelter, Everything i need. Then why am i still not satisfied?

Help me find satisfaction in seeing Your glory and experiencing Your Presence.
Be my all in all. May i find Zero joy apart from you.
Kill my heart's desires for things of this world. So that sin may be crucified and my heart be ressurected into a new life with you.

if it has to be violent Lord, let it be. i hate being lukewarm, i hate being sinful, i hate being me, for i resist Your grace and fall into the s***hole again and again. have Your Consuming fire purify me as gold and pure silver. Pass me through Your cleansing fire, make me clean again. but Only for Your glory's sake and if it is according to Your will.

Help me not abuse the people around me in my speech or actions. but help me show them grace as You have shown me grace.

Thank you for answering my prayer. My Lord and my God.
Yours is the kingdom, the power, the glory forever and ever.
In Your Son's name, Amen.