Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and Needy

it's not by our strength that we return to Him. He picks us up and brings us home again to Himself.. even after we ourselves tear ourselves from His embrace to run back to the Trash-dump called sin that we're so comfortable in.. after we fall in the dung and mire, helpless and broken, He takes us back in His arms and gives us new clothes, and a new identity..

How deep the Father's love for us indeed!

Read: Psalm 86

Songs of the day
-- Undo -- by Rush of Fools, and
-- How many Kings -- by downhere..

Undo
I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

Chorus

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

revival of the blog -- snow day..

School got cancelled... * GRAWH *
now i don't have a review session before my final on Friday..

HOWEVER, it also means i don't have to be outside on a day like this: Unfortunately, my poor neighbor Jordan Bradley has to..



That's him, in conditions of:

3 feet of snow, 40 mph winds, -30 degrees windchill outside.. and the snow is still coming down hard babehh...
thank GOD for the heater.. and a warm apartment.
hot chocolate and fresh baked choc chip oatmeal cookies hit the spot right there...



THis was the start of the storm last night. School was cancelled after 6pm. Even the LIBRARY ( which was open during last year's crazy ice-storm ) was closed..


okay i gotta get back to studying wastewater treatments.

and my roommate and I are going to brave the elements to go to fareway -- and get some real people interaction, and some milk.. this apartment is starting to get really goofy.. ( i know.. we're crazy, right?)

wish us luck! hopefully we'll get back alive to defrost ourselves..

Stay warm everyone!

one word..

Truth.


My friend Jessica and I just had the best *nonfamily* conversation I've had All month!
She shared her blog post with me. I really needed to hear this -- and know that there is a reason that it is NOT okay for me to "indulge" myself in senseless "junk", that i so knowingly, and WILLINGLY allow into my life, and I CHOOSE This over God's truth?!~

like -- WHAT THE HECK!?~

"You and I are at the banquet table of God's presence and truth, but too often we are so full of junk that we're not hungry. In actuality, spiritually, we are starving to death. We have settled for garbage instead of feasting on the nourishment God richly provides."

In Calcutta, their is a ministry called the House of the Dying. This ministry brings dying people off the street. "Their goals was not to cure these people. It was to give them a dignified place to die." In Calcutta, "70% of the homeless population have lung disease of tuberculosis. When you walk down the street, you find thousands of people coughing up their lungs... Upon arrival, their heads were shaved, and they were given a shower and a bowl of hot food... then replaced their ragged, soiled clothes with clean ones... Lepers came in with their flesh rotting and their nose, fingers, and toes missing... [the ministers] washed these lepers' skin and gave them clean clothes to wear. The job of one of the workers was to stick a syringe into their pus-filled sores and extract the poisonous disease. Each syringe was used for person after person and day after day until it was too dull to pierce the skin. Then it was thrown into the garbage can [containing the soiled clothes, the shaven hair, the jars with coughed up lungs, the uneaten food]."

Taking out the garbage was a heart wrenching task. "The stench was almost unbearable. Can you imagine the disease, ragged clothing, and half-eaten food? I begged them not to ask me to do it. It haunted me forever the first time I took out the garbage. As soon as we walked out the back door toward the dump, children came out of the alleyes and ripped open the bags to get whatever was there. I yelled, 'Don't eat this garbage! It's full of disease and death!' But they were so hungry that they ate the garbage because that was all they could find... I wept as I saw them scramble through the spilled jars of disease, the clothing stained with rotten flesh, and use syringes, trying to get scraps of last night's dinner that a dying person didn't eat."

Disturbing image, isn't it?! But in all honesty, how far are we from this spiritually? Can you see yourself feasting at the dumpster of this world? Many of us are like those kids scrambling for garbage. We elbow each other at the mall, at the theatre, in the back seat, at home , at work, on the net, and at school in our nhunger for food, but the doof we lunge and dight for is rotten and diesaesed - and we eat it. We eat it every time we fill our minds and hearts with sexually suggestive movies or music, every time we make fun of somebody for whom Christ died, every time we value the praise of people more than the praise of God, every time we live to revenge on someone who has hurt us, and every time we try to put things in God's place in our own hearts. We are so full of this junk that we aren't hungry for the food that really satisfies and nourishes."

When I put myself in the place of the man who saw the children rip the garbage open and feast on death, my heart sinks deep. These children are so hungry for garbage they are willing to bargain with death. When we, the children of God, grab onto this world because we are desperately thirsty, we are bargaining with death as well. That food the children eat will not nourish and satisfy, but poison and kill them... just the same way the worls will never satisfy. Only Christ can satisfy. St. Augustine once said, "You have made us for yourself, O God, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you." This means that we need to selectively choose what we want to nourish our bodies.

The more junk I eat, the further I distance myself from the Father. But when I don't poison my body with junk, but feast on the fine, satisfying food of Christ I draw near to the Father."

Jeremiah 15:16
When your words came, I ate them;
they were my joy and my heart's delight,
for I bear your name,
O LORD God Almighty.

All quotes in this post that are not the Bible or followed by another person's name are from David Nasser's A Call to Die


One word --

Truth..

What's going on in Esther's life..

I'm i need of some good prayer.. I've been really distracted lately in my quiet times, I can't seem to concentrate on the Word, and I feel empty and dry inside. I just feel very far away from God.. and I feel like Michael has slowly crept up and become an idol. We have been good with spurring each other on to read the bible and all, but as my heart grows fonder of him, the emotional closeness that we have is so unbalanced with the physical closeness, that it is so difficult to stay pure (mentally) and difficult to separate our attachment to each other as we are so far apart.

Please pray that our relationship with Father continues to grow, and this time that we spend apart will enable us to know and treasure our Father better than we know each other.

So far, we have been reading Leviticus together, and it's been a pretty good time, learning about God's laws and Why HE made them, to give us life, and to bless us, to protect us (from diseases, broken relationships, etc).. At church we've been going through Matthew, and we're nearing the end of his gospel. Hearing the gospel of Christ crucified being preached again is renewing my faith, and hopefully, it is bringing me to a new level of relationship with Christ, knowing Him as a real man, who was perfect in ALL HIs ways, but yet being led like a lamb to the slaughter.. He spoke not a word on trial, except confessing that He is indeed the King of the Jews.. Which is the main point of His sacrifice. He is the Servant King.. and It has been compeling me to respond ( albeit halfheartedly)..

What is the rightful response to Him, and contrasting that with MY response. the distinction there is clear, my heart is not right. and I need repentance. I am like Barrabas, who walked away from death, not even thinking twice about the man who took my place, not even thanking Him. Taking Him for granted, I continue on with my own life, so often, i don't look back and think seriously about that sacrifice, and my escaping death.. that cross was mine to suffer, but He took it on Himself.

I have been learning so much about the love and grace of God our Father through Jesus.. Please Pray that what I know will translate to my heart.. So that I won't just know facts, but that the Facts will become conviction - that my life is not my own, I was bought with a price, I am under stewardship.. and I want to be a slave to righteousness.

To my friends, both in the States, and back home, ( you know who you are)
I thank God for your presence, encouragement and blessings, in my life always, and for being there for me. I treasure you guys Very, very, much.. I love you guys and i'm praying for you.

To my family:
I Hope everyone at home is doing well. I am thinking of you all everyday. Especially Jason and Joyce. It is my prayer for them to experience God, and when i come back, I hope to be able to talk to them, heart to heart, and share my faith and my convictions with them. I am glad that Daddy and yourself are experiencing/ renewing your love for one another.. it encourages me that marriages can truly last, and that in brokenness, we can still find forgiveness and grace by the Power of Christ. Because man's faith is not based on wisdom, but on the Power of God and Christ Crucified.
God be praised for His Divinity and His Love!

Song of the week : the Desert Song ( HIllsong)
Art of the week: Ellis/ Funk wedding, where God was the decorator.

Goodbye Ah Kung..

I'm sorry Ah Kung..

I never got the guts to share Jesus with you..


As of right now,
I hope only that when Aunty Linda and Daddy shared with you, that you believed..
I hope that when that pastor came and shared Jesus with you, that your heart was soft and that you accepted Him as your Lord and Savior..
I hope that last night, you met Him,
I hope that you are now safe.. In His arms.

Ah Kung, I'm so sorry..

the eulogy

When I die, I want this song to be played at my funeral..

:)

We were not made for here..

The CS Lewis Song

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

[CHORUS]
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

the 21st

Esther the child : Well.. ladies and gentleman.. It's been great knowing you. I shall take my leave..
Esther the adult: NO NO NOO.. don't go! I don't know how to do this.. I can't pilot this on my own!
Esther the child: Hey.. I'm exhausted.. it's YOUR turn to run the show.. give me my well deserved break..
Esther the adult: *sobs quietly*.. but.. but.. I'm so scared..
Esther the child: *sighs* okayy okayy.. I'll promise i'll come back.. whenever you need a break.. BUT.. ONLY when it's ABSOLUTELY necessary.. I won't have you taking advantage of this.. This girl is a slave-driver, I tell you, when it comes to displaying immaturity and childishness. If I take over too often, she might want to keep me in charge forever..
Esther the adult: *mutters under her breath* that's the plan, dummy..

Faith not in the wisdom of Men, but the Power of God.

The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord,
He is their strength in times of trouble.
And the Lord shall help them and deliver them;
He shall deliver them from the wicked,
And save them,
Because they trust in Him.

Psalm 37:39,40

Just recently, due to the news of the ethnic riots in Xin Jiang between the Uighurs and the Han Chinese, I have taken an interest in Chinese political history. So, whenever I have pockets of time at work, I read articles on Wikipedia about Chinese politicians, Deng Xiao Ping, Chiang Kai Shek, Sun Yat Sen, Zhou YiYang and other prominent events that happened in China like the Tiananmen Square Massacre and the persecution of Fa-Lun Gong practitioners.

That led me to think about persecution A lot, and Martyrdom and suffering for the sake of Christ's Name. While Michael and I were talking about the persecution that may happen, ( or is already happening to missionaries and other people that governments hate ), I was pretty troubled and for awhile, in my arrogance, thought, 'I can do this, it'll only be awhile'. In my pride I forgot that it is the Lord that determines our days and that He cares about us. I was chastized when Michael mentioned that God takes care of His people. my heart was moved to realize that it is not MY righteous sacrifice when I go through pain; I can do NOTHING in order to please God. It's all His grace!

This morning, I read Psalm 37, and it talks about not worrying about evildoers and comparing the "blessings" on the righteous and the wicked. The Lord keeps count of each man(and woman).

God's got really funny timing.. I think He gave me this word to sober and wake me up from my constant pessimism and my skeptism. I always doubt whether people will change for the better, or the world will ever become a better place, my friends (who are SO close to my heart) EVER repenting and (re)turning to Christ, or my own self, ever unfaithful and sinful. whether I will ever stop being stupid and surrender all to God. I guess was projecting my disappointment on God and inadverdantly blaming Him for whatever logic/reason I don't know.. Humans are a magnet for trouble.. We jump into so many complicating problems on our own. I wonder How God can stay patient with us. But, He forgives those who ask for forgiveness, and He always HOPES, Always is Patient, Kind, Always perseveres,and Endures all things. He is Love. and Love NEVER FAILS..

I am VERY thankful that God decided to pull me out of my pit and set my feet on a rock, I intentionally make that rock slippery for myself frequently. Sometimes, I get self-righteous and think I'm better than all my friends that I know have backslidden.

Boy am I Wrong.

It is only by His grace that He pulled me out of the Sh**Hole I purposely jumped into, and He in His love, cleaned me up and adorned me with beautiful new clothes, and a new identity ~ A Child of the King. When I am unfaithful and lavish attention on my idols, and think of myself as deserving of Salvation, I am always reminded that I am starting to look more and more like the woman depicted in Ezekiel 16. an unfaithful bride/ like Hosea's wife.

He's Soooo faithful, and HE is indefinitely Mighty to Save!

Song of the week: Hosea's Wife ( Brooke Fraser )
Currently Obsessed with :
Artist John Waterhouse:



Lady of Shalott

it's foreign on this side..

i spent the day alone today...


it wasn't bad.. but i'd definitely not want to live this day again.. * 'cept the part where i got Liz's letter *

first i slept in till 11am.. and that made me feel like i totally wasted my day..
i bought a couple songs on itunes.. had minimal contact with people..
drew some pictures, and planned presents to buy for people back in ames..
made some food for myself.. talked to the boys next door briefly and awkwardly..
facebook stalked some people..

listened to "this side" by nickel creek over and over and over again..

and i didn't even touch my bible.. or even feel like reading it...
and today i struggled with my selfish desires.. of wanting to call up michael and talk to him.. however.. bret and gabe came all the way to see him in kansas and hang out.. so the least i can do is stay out of the way, right?
he said he'd call.. in the evening.. but..when he called on skype, i felt like i was intruding.. and i found myself being negative and decided it was best if I didn't spoil all the fun they were having with my gripes.. *and so i hung up..

before that, I called Marcus ( best friend in high school) today.. and even he couldn't talk.. He has a paper on Tuesday and had to study..
Then i called liz after i got her card, but she didn't pick up ( probably was hanging out with the parents )
and then i found my dad on skype but then after 2 sentences from him, he logged out..

therefore, i felt totally ignored today.. by virtually everyone.. and that escalated to negative thoughts..

that left me struggling against my sinful self.. even writing this, makes me think about how much i really think about myself.. and in all these situations, I am always looking out for myself and not being considerate and thoughtful of others and thinking about ways i could serve them.. always.. always.. i thought about how they could serve me..

It's foreign on this side,
And the truth is a bitter friend.
But reasons few have I to go back again.

Your first dawn blinded you, left you cursing the day.
Entrance is crucial and it's not without pain.
There's no path to follow, once you're here.
You'll climb up the slide and then you'll slide down the stairs.

God has to let me learn the hard way..
I gotta climb up the slippery slide.. and bruise and be battered by temptations on the way..

it's true that...

It's foreign on this side,
But it feels like I'm home again.
There's no place to hide
But I don't think I'm scared.

because my Father's eye is on me..


After the dance ( John Waterhouse)

work

SO it's my second day of work and still no personal internet. I feel bad about using the company's computer to do my personal internet activities :(

But so far so good. Things have been busy and I have been learning alot (and falling asleep alot, especially after lunch). Today i ran quality control assays for capsaicin in chilli oil and the weight of zeaxanthin in paprika oleoresins.
Although I don't really know what those terms really mean, i got to use this really cool machine called the HPLC (high performance liquid chromatographer), and played around with super cool apparatus.

and it was David's (a Frenchman who works in the flavor chemistry department) birthday, so we went out and had lunch with all the staff in the analytical lab. My boss' treat :)

Very yummy food.. unfortunately, it disagreed with my tummy.. and the bathroom had a very distinctly different odor after i left it... hehehe.. it's powderful stuff yo..

Besides that, the lab always smells like something yummy.. today it smelt like allspice, because Dawn was running some tests on Quality Control (QC) and I decide i like Nancy ( secretly i call her nancy drew, because she has wavy, pretty shoulder length blonde hair), because she's the kindest to me. She always helps me with my questions. Jane's my officemate and she's a pretty pious Catholic. Doug is my Boss and he could go on and on and on about Chemistry and how the structures work..

Josh Tuinstra is just plain funny, making jokes all day in the hops lab, and Sheena( is from India) likes to stop and talk to me alot during the day :)

Overall.. my expreience in the lab is REALLY enjoyable, besides having to read up on huge textbooks on Chromatography and Organic Structures. I have to get my groove on for the Chemistry studies...


Tomorrow I will be having a phone conference meeting with Ty Weiss (the engineering manager) with a company that will be selling our company some techniques to treat our wastewater -- this is my internship project for the summer. So I will be in the team spearheading this project for my company... which makes things So much more exciting..

I move into the sorority this weekend... and thus, I will finally be able to stop eating leftover pizza and vending machine food.. ALSO, i won't be sleeping on my own anymore! YAY! I am EXCITED!

I will post pictures later on. my phone is dead.. :)

Later!

Dear Mikey..

I've got some things I'd like to set in pen

I would have used a pencil but thats just not permanent

I've got a letter I would like to send.

It's lacking strings of words with punctuation at the end.

Should I trust this dialect to convey the right effect?

"Goodbye" seems to be the hardest word..

Sigh.. Spring seems to last but a moment.

May Tzy jiejie, God Bless you for your childlike faith

May Tzy JieJie's Prayers..



Prayer before going to church
Dear Lord Jesus, I am going to church to worship you together with my friends. Help me to listen closely to your words. Dear Holy Spirit please fill me and teach me how to serve you. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Prayer when you are sick
Dear Lord Jesus, you are the best doctor. Help me to recover soon after taking my medication. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Prayer before examination
Dear Lord, help me to be diligent in doing my revision. Give me a good memory, give me confidence in my examination. When i excel, help me remember you and know that all glory goes to you. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Prayer before reading the bible
Dear Holy Spirit, please come and teach me so that I can understand Your words. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.


Prayer for our parents
Thank you for giving me a good father and mother. Please bless them and give them good health and walk with them today. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Prayer before eating
Dear Lord Jesus, thank you for providing us with food. Please bless the food to our body and keep us healthy. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.



Prayer before going to school
Dear heavenly Father, please protect me on the way to school, help me to be attentive in class and remember all the lessons well. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Prayer before doing homework
Dear Lord, help me to be a hardworking student and give me wisdom and discipline to finish my homework on time. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Prayer before going to sleep
Dear heavenly Father, thank you for protecting me today. Give me good sleep for the night. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Prayer in the morning
Dear heavenly Father, thank you for giving me another new day. Continue to lead me and guide me, so that I can be salt and light as your child today, i pray that i can bring your name glory today. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

kopitiam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDxoTtVGBZE

I wake in the dark
With showers of life
Moments of emptiness around
Floating away
No other hope
Reality brings me

Into the ground
What can I do
What can I say
I need a place to hide away
Just for a while, just for a smile
Just for a life I used to know

The perfect song were filled with
Words of love and not with anger
What if they go
What if they leave me far behind

'Cause I don't wanna be alone... (uh oh)
Living life for on my own (uh oh)
I don't want to live my life in isolation
Filled with empty decorations
'Cause I want to be with people that I know

Who would do the things I do (uh oh)
Making all my dreams come true (uh oh)
I don't recognize the shadows at my door
Though I've seen them all before
Because the only thing I really want...
Is to be with you...

sweet redemption

Though he was

weeping uncontrollably, and bleeding

freely at the forehead, pulling

his cart with one arm, stumbling for

drunkenness, falling again and again,

exhausted, old, and sick, yet he went

with terrible speed. On spider's legs

he skittered through the alleys of

the City, this mile and the next,

until he came to its limits, and

then he rushed beyond.



I wept to see the change in this

man. I hurt to see his sorrow. And

yet I needed to see where he was

going in such haste, perhaps to

know what drove him so.



The little old Ragman - he came to

a landfill. He came to the garbage

pits. And then I wanted to help

him in what he did, but I hung back,

hiding.



He climbed a hill. With tormented

labor he cleared a little space on

that hill. Then he sighed. He lay

down. He pillowed his head on a

handkerchief and a jacket. He

covered his bones with an army

blanket.


And he died.



Oh, how I cried to witness that

death!I slumped in a junked car

and wailed and mourned as one who

has no hope - because I had come

to love the Ragman.



Every other face had faded in

the wonder of this man, and I

cherished him; but he died.I

sobbed myself to sleep. I did not know - how could I know?

That I slept through Friday night

and Saturday and its night, too.

But then, on Sunday morning, I was

wakened by a violence. Light - pure,

hard, demanding light - slammed

against my sour face,and I blinked,

and I looked, and I saw the last

and the first wonder of all.



There was the Ragman, folding the

blanket most carefully, a scar on

his forehead, but alive! And,

besides that, healthy! There was no

sign of sorrow nor of age, and

all the rags that he had gathered

shined for cleanliness.



Well, then I lowered my head and

trembling for all that I had seen,

I myself walked up to the Ragman.

I told him my name with shame, for

I was a sorry figure next to him.

Then I took off all my clothes in

that place, and I said to him with

dear yearning in my voice: "Dress me."



He dressed me. My Lord, he put new

rags on me, and I am a wonder beside

him.



The Ragman, the Ragman,


THE CHRIST

its the pits..

hit rock bottom...

started questioning my faith..


don't want to think anymore.


i wish i could die..

and get out of my disgusting skin..

here i gripe again..

i miss him already..

Michael just got a job offer at Spirit Aerosystems in Wichita, KS. That's like a 6.5 hour drive ( I will however take 8 hours because i am BOUND to get lost). And so, he's leaving on a jet-plane in a little less than 3 weeks. That amounts to 2 Sunday Services left together, and 2 Monday Morning Prayer Meetings, 2 more Saturday~Alone times, 2 more Family Group meetings, and 2 more Salt Company meetings.

yesterday the realization that he wont be with me (and also that i will be spending my 21st birthday alone in Michigan) just flooded my senses...

i cried.. :(

he's leaving meeee....

in exactly 28 more days..


*sob

be Thou my vision..

So I have just started fasting ( and now i know how anorexic people feel )
I actually am starting to think that i could live like this, i have hunger pangs for awhile, and i feel like i want food, but after awhile, the hunger goes away.

The only effects that I've gotten so far is that I get woozy for a little bit, but then after some water and a little nap, it's all okay again..

somewhat disturbing huh?


but i do know how it affects me emotionally and mentally:

i am a lot slower in learning, and i have a shorter fuse than i usually do ( which is REALLy Really Really short); i feel lethargic, angry and extremely distracted even when i am reading my bible.

i don't even know where God fits into all this.* I know that after I've gotten some food and read through this post again, i will feel pretty stupid about how i reacted. *
But for the moment, i am going to rant.

God... can You be my Vision? I'm sick of being angry and stupid. I don't want to be vulnerable and not have you fill me. I feel like I got cheated, and i know you dont cheat. You said that You will be my Rock and Shelter, Everything i need. Then why am i still not satisfied?

Help me find satisfaction in seeing Your glory and experiencing Your Presence.
Be my all in all. May i find Zero joy apart from you.
Kill my heart's desires for things of this world. So that sin may be crucified and my heart be ressurected into a new life with you.

if it has to be violent Lord, let it be. i hate being lukewarm, i hate being sinful, i hate being me, for i resist Your grace and fall into the s***hole again and again. have Your Consuming fire purify me as gold and pure silver. Pass me through Your cleansing fire, make me clean again. but Only for Your glory's sake and if it is according to Your will.

Help me not abuse the people around me in my speech or actions. but help me show them grace as You have shown me grace.

Thank you for answering my prayer. My Lord and my God.
Yours is the kingdom, the power, the glory forever and ever.
In Your Son's name, Amen.

Mark's favorite Quotes.

We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he can't imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. -C.S. Lewis


"I’m part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit’s power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made--I’m a disciple of His. I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and I labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my roads narrow, my way rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won’t give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me... my banner will be clear.” -A Zimbabwe Pastor’s Prayer – Martyred



Apostolic passion is a deliberate, intentional choice to live for the worship of Jesus Christ in the nations. -Floyd McClung

If you have apostolic passion, you are one of the most dangerous people on the planet. The world no longer rules your heart. You are no longer seduced by getting and gaining but devoted to spreading and proclaiming the glory of God in the nations. You live as a pilgrim, unattatched to the cares of this world. You are not afraid of loss. You even dare to believe you may be given the privilege of dying to spread His fame on the earth. The Father's passions have become your passions. You find satisfaction and significance in Him. You believe He is with you always, to the end of life itself. You are sold out to God, and you live for the Lamb. Satan fears you, and the angels applaud you. Your greatest dream is that His name will be praised in languages never before heard in heaven. Your reward is the look of pure delight you anticipate seeing in His eyes when you lay at His feet and the just reward of His suffering: the worship of the redeemed. -Floyd McClung

najib will be PM

we are doomed

response to the last blog post

Turn your eyes apon Jesus.
Look Full in His wonderful face
and the things on earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His Glory and Grace

depression is a dark pit

I just spent the whole of today in my apartment and found my Hyde.. again..
This time she came full force, almost sucking the life out of me.

After a wonderful eventful 5 days out of town and always in good company (michael, anni, jeffrey and good friends here and there); i found myself alone and in no apparent need of company. I thought it would be good for me.

Apparently not.

Just as i zoned in on myself; having had ZERO time with God personally the whole week, Depressing thoughts entered my head:

* You're SO disgusting, and So careless and Spaz. your friends, once the find out who you are, they'll isolate you For SURE.
* You treat everything so casually. You don't even care about a single thing.
* You have no feelings. you dont even flinch at these thoughts.
* Esther, You are not good enough for anything. You cant even stay faithful to Jesus for a day. how pathetic.
* you cant even bring yourself to pick up your bible again. Sinner.
* and you call yourself a Christ follower.
* Missions? dont make me laugh.

Somehow, i am numbed to all these feelings. Like i always do i push them to a tiny corner of my head where it broods and grows and festers into something utterly messy that i dont want to deal with. EVER.

God help me.

mixed feelings

Spring break is here! Say byebye to Snooo *yES!*

No school for 9 days! *HALLELUJAH!*

New sister in Christ *Qiaolin* ! I got to lead her through the prayer! *PRAISE GOD!*

Krystle's birthday.. frantically getting preparations done.. * so stress *

4 hours of sleep due to packing and cooking..

Celebrate Kryssie's surprise party.. 

Got to pack more.. but i'm procrastinating..  

Michigan in 1 day..

5 interviews in less than 48 hours..

meeting up with Wen Ken in a little more than 24 hours  

It'll be nice to see a 'DJ kaki' again .. 

I get to go on a road trip with Michael <3, Anni and Jeffery.

and sleep in the same hotel room.. (i dont know what to think about that :P)

7 more days and this illusion of spring break will be over..

Gahh..

anita darrrrrrrrrling...

she makes the study of Arabic now..


and i am waiting for her to finish before we go to bed.

we just got back from the Rec about 45 minutes ago (what a work out!)

\\_.-,(^,^).-,_//

i'm so strong now!!!

Ahahahaahaaaaaa... its joke!

3 more days till Michigan interview and the Chicago road trip..

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..!!!

i hate myself..

This is the lie that i constantly hear nowadays. 

that I am stupid, and not up to par with my friends and classmates. 

Coming home from classes and crying because i couldnt understand the material in class. 

I dont want to be stuck in this rut. No MORE.

correspondence..

Really, it looks like you are going steady with M already. What happened to the declaration you made before you left home "I will never fall for a white ." What made you changed your mind ? Think again and again because your mum and dad wouldn't want you to suffer from a dog's life because of puppy love.

what made me change my mind? i don't know. God? and M's love for Him? i guess what attracted me to him the most was his relationship with God and how he understood so well that everything in his life was created to be devoted to Him. 
the fact that he was pretty good-looking was a huge plus point.
I had been attracted to ALOT of guys here in the states who are REally goodlooking. but, our personalities didnt really match, we had different interests, the wavelengths didnt complement well. 

I have to say that if it werent for God, i would not have met M. Being on leadership also brought us closer together, cos then we're both being sharpened under the leadership of the church and sharpening one another as iron sharpens iron. he is a huge source of encouragement and i really grew alot in my relationship with God through alot of prayer , insight and encouragement from him.

i want to be honest with you with this.
If you are being worried for my life in terms of living a "dog's life":

worry no more. 

My life, everything i have ever learned since i was a child: i never had an ambition to live for the Lord. it was always my agenda or the agenda my parents had for me, i never knew any better. 

However, Now that i have found that there's such an opportunity to live for and serve the KING: i think that sounds like the best life prospect that i could ever have! It's all about HIM! 
even in the psalms they sing songs about GOD move your hand, vindicate me FOR YOUR GLORY's Namesake!
He calls us in the great commision: 
Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
He didnt say "maybe you should go". he said "GO"

But i dont go alone, He is with me Always.

i dont want my life to be about me and my comfort. 

if my life and Comfort are ruined for the sake of the gospel and brings glory to the Father, How amazing that would be! Praise Be to the LORD! 

Jesus died for me, the very most reasonable thing i could do is to offer up my life as a living sacrifice.(romans 12:1)

and If God's plans for me are for me to live in america and mobilize people and tell them about the opportunity to live for Christ, so be it. if it is to go home to malaysia, and work for Daddy, so be it. If it is to go to Africa and live amongst the poor villagers and help them with sanitation, teach them about agriculture and provide them a means to hear about and worship the KING, so be it. If it is to proclaim Christ's love for man to the enemies of God in sufferings, so be it.

1 Corinthians 9:19-23 : 
For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win the more; and to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the law, as under the law, that I might win those who are under the law; to those who are without law, as without law (not being without law toward God, but under law toward Christ), that I might win those who are without law; to the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. Now this I do for the gospel's sake, that I may be partaker of it with you.

Whatever it takes, i want to be a part of God's tsunami wherever He may place me; I want to be a part of His work. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I want to jump into His yoke, and not strive in vain under my own.

You've got the Wrong Person Lord..

think you have issues? Think again...

No, Lord. You've got the wrong guy. Simple conversation gets me tongue tied. And You're telling me to speak with a maniac king. Or could it be I've lost my mind. Besides, I am weak. Don't You want someone strong to lead them out of Egypt when they've been there so long? And anyway they won't believe You ever spoke to me.

That's not your problem.

There's a bigger picture you can't see.
You don't have to change the world.

Just trust in Me; cause I am your Creator.

I am working out my plan and through you I will show them

I Am.

Now, Lord, are You sure? He's just a shepherd boy! Too small for battle gear with a giant to destroy! What on earth can he do with five stones and a sling?

That's not your problem cause I can do anything.

There's a bigger picture you can't see.

You don't have to change the world.

Just trust in Me; cause I am your Creator.

I am working out my plan and through you I will show them -

I am the First, I am the Last,

I am the Present and the Past,

I am Tomorrow and Today...

I am the only way.

Great Lord, I'm just a simple girl. You say that I will bring Your Son into this world. How can I understand this thing You're gonna do?

That's not your problem cause there's a bigger picture.

You don't have to change the world.

I'm your Creator, I am working out my plan.

Through you I will show them there's a bigger picture you can't see.

You don't have to change the world. Just trust in Me.

I am your Creator,

I am working out my plan and through you I will show them...

I Am.